Common Ground

Two years ago, we found out we were being moved to the Virgin Islands. At that time, I didn't know much about St. Thomas at all. We aren't cruiser's, so we had never made it this way by boat. I do remember when we took our trip to Puerto Rico researching a day trip here. Otherwise, I didn't know anything. My first anxieties were centered around our quality of life on an island I knew nothing about. Most of my worries were matched with being a new mom and having to figure out life with a little one. More than that, I need other mom's in my life to encourage me on this new role.

Soon into our move, I realized that I was going to be okay. Better than okay, the community here surprised me. We found a nitch or two and kept with it. Now after living in four states in the past seven years, we have found St. Thomas to be the warmest and easiest.

There are many mainlanders that have moved to the island and there are true locals whom are West Indian and Frenchies. Overall, the warmest people I've ever been around. Greetings are important here. Everyone adapts here to using greetings when around or  passing other people. It's kind of like the French and how they free with a bonjour! Stateside, you might make eye contact and might say a sheepish hi. Here you greet at any time of the day: good morning, good afternoon, and good night. If you are waking into a doctor's office you would greet everyone in the waiting room before proceeding to the counter. If you are passing someone while running on waterfront, you greet them with a good morning. And, so on. Even Wells, my two and a half year old, says good morning all day long. He is still learning about time blocking.

There are countless things that make life unique while living on an island. I've noticed, when we return home with fresh groceries I start looking to make sure there aren't any bugs in the cereal or rice before putting it in the refrigerator or cabinet. Yes, I store cereal in the refrigerator. Or when I'm sitting around the house and have something crawl on me, I usually just assume it is an ant. Wells is great at reporting spiders. And now, we have the Zika scare. I am thankful I am not pregnant this year. My heart goes out to all my friends who are. As if you need something else to worry about as a mom. We are constantly buying bug repellant and figuring out ways to shade our babes from the sun effectively.

I love our condo. It probably is my favorite place we have ever lived. It's bright and sunny. It is cool and the views I will never get use to. We have an amazing exterminator and thankfully most bugs we find inside the house are dead.

We had a rat in the house once and I was freaking out a bit. I mentioned to some friends about our problem and they didn't seem freaked a bit. They both nodded along like Oh, yeah. We have two right now. Or our cat kills them and lines dead ones at the door. I have to throw away a few every morning. My eyes were bugged and I'm like Shut. The Front. Door. What! Home Depot has electric trap boxes and they are the key to catching rodents fast and effectively. I'm no longer overly squirm-ish about bugs, rodents, or other crawlers. I still don't like them, but I've been highly desensitized.

When you sit down at a restaurant and it takes an hour to put in your drinks and two hours to get food to your table, you are just happy to be with friends and that your kid(s) are allowed to run around in the restaurant. When your order is screwed up, you just eat it. Why are you prone to wait? Why do you just eat it? Because, such is life in the caribbean. (Disclaimer, we do have good service at times and in certain restaurants, but overall you take what you get.) There is no sense in making a fuss.

The major factor in the overall ease of the island is that the majority of people who live here are easy going. The fact that anyone would venture to move you (and your family) to an island where normal convenience is not convenient at all is a testament to this. You have to be a type of person that rolls with whatever. If your panties get in a wad too easily, the island is probably not the place for you. Locals are easy going, too. No one, especially locals, is in a rush to do anything or be anywhere.

We have friends at every corner of the island. We have friends at the grocery story. And the movies. And any restauant. And the soccer field. And every beach. Why? Because everyone basically knows everyone. And, if you have chosen to live here, you can basically get along with anyone, because you are laid back. So, we don't agree on a certain issue, who cares - let be friends! And that is why I love this place! We can be so different and all be together enjoying a breezy and sun filled day at the beach.

What I've Learned From Brene Brown

I've been slowly reading through Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. I've been intentionally soaking it in while taking my time getting through each chapter. I've been stopping to really think about the content and taking a ton of notes. Brene Brown researches shame and vulnerability which I find extremely fascinating.

Have you ever felt shamed? Of course, we all have.

Vulnerability, Brown explains, is trying something new, admitting that your afraid, standing up for yourself, being accountable, asking for forgiveness, and having faith. She also says that vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. And, it is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.

There is so much to learn about the shame culture we live in and how it affects our ability to be vulnerable. In the past, I've retreated for cover and closed myself off to people because of being shamed - belittled, ridiculed, and publicly embarrassed over my vulnerabilities.

I am only five chapters into the book and one thing has really hit home for me. It is the idea of trust in how she explained a jar of marbles. Brown says trust is a slow-building, layered process that happens over time. It is built one marble at a time. Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement. I've filled my marble jar in certain friendships prematurely, giving so much trust, and before I realized it was hurt. As defense, I would unintentionally do exactly what Brown is referring to by taking marbles out of the jar. Slowly, I've seen my jar emptied and no longer did I have a trusting friendship in fear of being shamed.

I've learned in the last several years to slowly build a marble jar instead of starting it full in a new friendship. And, I've learned trust is a beautiful thing built one marble at a time.

In my late teens and early twenties, I was so embarrassed that I snored. (I'm not even sure I still do, but Ted doesn't seem to mind if I do.) I had a really close friend who knew I was embarrassed about it and would intentionally tell other friends in group settings about it to catch a laugh. I felt so shamed. It was a silly thing to be embarrassed about, but the fact that I was and she didn't seem care explaining it's nothing to be ashamed about. But, it really affected my trust in that friendship. Over time, I felt shamed in other areas in this friendship too. Whether I was aware of it at the time or not (I don't believe I was), I slowly began to disengage from the friendship because my trust jar was dwindling.

On the flip side, I have been graced with a few amazing friendships that I was able to slowly fill my marble jar. In these slowly built trusting relationships, I found healing, empathy, and help in my most vulnerable times. It made me stronger. There was depth that came with being vulnerable and showing imperfections by daring greatly.

I am off to the park and pool to ensure a solid nap time so I can continue reading and learning.

a little note to the future

Maybe because the year is rounding around to november that i've been thinking about my age. Or was it when i filled out an online questionnaire and had to check late 20s. where has time disappeared too? i was just 21 getting married & throwing lots of parties. thinking about to my earlier 20s i realize a few things that i do differently now. better, maybe. but that's not it completely it just more thought out. i once was an over zealous, over committed, over worked, over friendly, over the top kind of girl. AND it was fun for sure.

life happened. my roommates moved out and ted moved in. less girls nights. a lot less last minute parties (why did we stop). married routine came into play. cue moving. adjustment period. cue moving again. adjustment period. cue deployment. adjust. move back. breath. school. work. life continues with full days. lots of which is mundane. but several days are filled with great memories and personal growth. 

all this thought made me want to write a little note to myself five years from now. i'd be 31. ekk! glad thirty is four years away. let's just say i'm not ready which is okay at this point. 

a few notes to myself five years from now:

slow down and enjoy simple moments. 

the only scripture you know is the scripture you live. 

at the end of the day, family matters more than anything. 

wake up early if that means you can have a cup of coffee and some alone time.

stay spontaneous. 

make goals.

give grace.

live with open hands.

keep making lists of things you love about ted. 

refer to list when he's driving you insane. 

friends come and go, don't sweat it. 

take time to create. 

take time to cook interesting things. 

take time to remember. 

take time to repent. 

take time to exercise.

take time to read. 

let go. 

embrace new opportunities. 

personal pain usually results in personal growth.

keep in touch. 

call mom and keep her up to date.

be involved in your brothers lives even if it's hard from far away.

travel often.

try new things.

take on a good challenge.

always forgive.

always love.

always stay true to yourself.

keep your spunk.

don't change for anyone. 

a little sass never hurt no one. 

keep good intention.

look back at the good and forget the bad.

make more babies (you have 4 more years)

(i want to stop having kids at 35)

never take for granted the constants in life. 

pray often.

Progress

recently, i heard someone explain emotional pain as a reason for personal growth. i agree, i just haven't actually put it in words like this. over the past few years, i've learned heaps. most of all, i've learned a lot about who i am & the condition of my own heart. it's been painful. lonely. discouraging. and helpful.

tears have poured like a gushing waterfall. my heart has ached as if it were literally pulled into pieces. the emotional journey that i've experienced has been a blessing amidst the difficulty. when i think back to the beginning & remember the initial pain, i had no idea who i would become because of it.

i'm grateful for the way god has used this last couple years to bring me to know him more. if it weren't for the ache of my heart, would i have learned so much?

this year has had far too many unexpected twists. today was the kind of day that sucked the life out of me. the moment someone turns to introduce them self to you at church, stops mid-greeting when they notice your a hot mess crying. lets just say it was heavy stream of tears throughout the day. emotional wreck, twenty-twelve.

some good points in today though. like a phone call to a friend back home. my brother whom always smears a smile across my face. texts from friends around the globe that made today just that much more bearable. i fail. often. i'm trying to live with my hands free from clenching. letting go of trying to make sense of things that make no sense.

maybe i've fallen off the blogroll because i don't know what to say this year has been tough. different. not more tough then past years but a different type of tough. one where i sometime i just wish i had a listening ear.

but, i have high hopes for these last three months of the year. things are looking UP

Squeeeeeze

ever have your insides squeeze into a tight ball. maybe it was someone scratching the chalkboard in third grade. even watching the commentary of a new contestant on project runaway (does anyone know who i'm talking about?). it's like s squeeze of the insides.

i've had the squeeze after i said something i shouldn't. before i dropped on a roller coaster. when i've lost a friend. squeeze. that overly affectionate couple in high school that makes you squeeze. ek. that project you receive an underwhelming grade on. a loss of something close. that day i lost my wedding ring. squeeze. squeeze.

sometimes the little things tend to make my heart beat faster and become easily anxious or sad. my heart hurts when i put so much of myself into something that isn't in the end fruitful. that project that didn't turn out.

but, all in all i thought that the quote above is true. Some. Things. Are. Not. Important.

the things that are important is what we should be pouring into. a pure heart. squeezes good things.

The New

it's been almost an entire month since we moved into our new place. the first few weeks were silky, but now i'm in a definite runt. i have lost ideas of where to unpack stuff. it's not because we dont' have the space because we have plenty of that. rooms without closets is my dilemma.

we have ONE. a large one. it's full with all of our hanging clothes & winter coats. about 10% of my shoes fit and a few odds and ends. ted's putting shelvings on the third floor nook which we are calling closet number 2.

i feel pretty adventurous every time i open our trap door which leads to our basement. thursday's are quickly becoming my favorite shopping day as the farmers market a few blocks away at a local garden center.

after living in center city (where our friends were only home less people), it's nice to have friendly neighbors. the washington square crowd didn't talk with anyone. snnooOOt--tAy!

i wish i could get this house in order so i could start vamping our little backyard. can't wait to have a little party out back.

UN regrettable

there are a few things in life that without a doubt you will regret. maybe it's after a overstuffed meal. or that stupid guy you dated in high school. let's just view life in one way - Carpe Diem. everything is an experience worth the ups & downs. take it for what it is and enjoy it.

many of my regrettable days would be the days i didn't take advantage of opportunity. probably my plaid pants, fishnets, & the occasional spike belt would be listed in bold. on a much lighter note, i've thought of some things that you will never regret.

freshly washed hair. there has been days especially when i would rather snooze than wake up earlier to wash &  blow dry my hair. somewhere throughout the day i wonder why i chose sleep over fresh hair!?  i tend to go a day & maybe two between washings (as they say it's good for your hair & scalp). BUT, there has never been a day that i've washed & fixed my hair that i have regretted it. when in doubt, wash your hair. if your spending too much time using dry shampoo, wash your hair. it really won't ever let you down.

sadly, i can't say i've read the hilarious & brilliant tina fey. i've heard that she notes my next un-regrettable in her book. wearing a bra. yes, i too have those days when i feel it would be a great day to go without. very european. french. & free. unless you are at the cup of none existence than go with your gut & strap them in & UP.

in the process of moving, i always pull out picture boxes and rumble through them before i pack them into cardboard. pictures are memories that i seem to forget. they make me laugh (high school in particular). they make me cry (that horrible haircut). they make me happy. taking more pictures. sometimes i'm on standby after a party when everyone was snapping tons of pictures, waiting to be tagged in the horrible shot. but, i never really regret taking pictures. i regret not taking more (to filter the bad ones). if i have 20 pictures to pick a favorite from then i easily do. when i have 2 awkward not so good pictures i regret it undoubtably.

summer is happiness. i love scarves, sweaters, & layering to an extent. but, i'm no mountain girl. i do best in hot summer days with a sundress on sipping a fresh citrus. put on sunscreen. ted is opposed to sunscreen. he likes crisp red skin which heats up for a few days & softens to a tan. i lather. or try my best to protect my fair skin. i love tanning. i love color. but, even if your going with 4 spf you are far better off. protecting your skin is like adding years to your life. twenty years from now you will not regret that pink bottle of 50 spf that was close by each time your hit summer.

The Cringe-y Feeling

I've thought long and hard over an awful happening.
Each time I think of it I cringe inside and feel extremely defeated.
I wish I knew what to do to make it all right.

One of the busiest weeks of our lives was the week we got married. Since my family didn't live in town and all my friends had full time jobs, Ted & I hustled to get all the last minute things for the wedding. It all boiled down to the rehearsal dinner. We actually hate talking about it. Thinking of it. And wish we for God sake could go back in time. Ted made a HUGE mistake and didn't invite a friend to our rehearsal dinner. Actually, not even that he didn't invite her... He simply asked a groomsmen to tell her not to come. He thought this would be best. I don't even understand his reasoning today.

If only... He would have called me.

It was bad. Beyond bad.

I had no clue until later that evening. I was crushed because I knew that everyone thought it was my fault. I didn't know what to do in the moment. I didn't even know anything about the whole situation. I asked someone if I should call that night and talk it out. I was advised not to but I wish I had.

My heart hurts over this for many reasons.
My heart hurts because it really destroyed something great.
My heart hurts because it really affected my last single night with my friends.
My heart hurts because I really don't know what to do even now to make it better.

The night before my wedding and the next day until I was almost all ready was so hard. I was so sad. Upset. And I had no idea how to fix anything. I so badly wanted to make everything right but I didn't know how. I didn't have time to think... I was getting married.

Drama. Drama. Drama. Most drama I've ever experienced in my entire life. To this day, Ted hates discussing it because he knows it's the worst decision he has made. It really still is such a sore spot which makes me so sad because everything about our wedding was so great except this. Because I feel so weird and cringe-y, I have the worse foot-in-the-mouth syndrom over this whole situation. I never know what to say because I never felt like it ever was resolved.

8 THINGS I SAY 'THANK YOU' FOR

The beginning of new things.
I'm on the brink of finishing my first quarter at culinary school. Exciting, it is. Ted schedule changing and taking a another position to help save for some upcoming vacations. Let's just say, we've been busy. All the new things have really been great and embraced.


Precious moments of everyday life with my husband.
I feel like in the last few months we have grown so much. It's not like we weren't close or anything of that sort before but I feel like I keep falling head-over-heels all over again. Each day keeps getting sweeter. Couldn't be more thankful for my wonderfully stellar husband.


The grace of God that meets me everyday.
For the last year, my life has been flipped upside down. Lots of changes with moving and relocating for Ted's job. I've seen God carry me through it all. His grace is ever present. The gospel speaks to me daily. It's inspiring and wonderfully humbling.


New friends. 
We've met so many great people since our move to Philadelphia. Since I've moved several times in my life sometimes the process of starting new friendships doesn't appeal to me. But, we've met so many people that it's been so easy and fun getting to know them. Also, it's been a blessing to revisit old friends I grew up with when I lived in the Northeast.


Flowers. Hints of lavender. Candles.
Every season, I'm in love with flowers. They smear a smile on my face when I glance at them. I've tucked lavender around the house in little jars and in some mason jars. I love the smell. I've had a little obsession lately with white candles. They have found there way all around my home. I love how they flicker in the dark.


The frequent phone conversations with my mother. 
My mom and I had many rough patches in high school but I've really begun to appreciate her. We talk on the phone almost every day. I'm so glad to have a Godly mom and someone to talk to.


Skype dates with my little brother.
Sometimes I just wish I could go back in time and live in my parents house for the pure fact of hanging with my little brother. While I was in high school, my brother was a little annoying pest to me. So I thought. I regret being mean and not cherishing those moments. Of course, I loved him then. But, I was so wrapped up in teenage life (as most high schoolers are). Now, I love talking to him. Skype makes that easily accessible. He's brilliant and loves cooking as much as I do.

Frequent day-weekend trips.
I'm the type of person I need a break from my surroundings. Ted, too. I so love getting away even if its for a day and seeing something new. The mundane really pays a toll on my well-being. Living in Philadelphia, I feel like we have an unending list of places we'd like to go for little one day or weekend trips. I love it. Also, I'm really exciting to be planning our future vacations (beach trip in the winter and Europe in the spring).

Following Up

in TWO WEEKS.

a flight. 

a friend. 

a wedding.

sometimes it surprises me how things play out 

but of course, God is sovereign

He knows the [whole picture]

a follow up to my heart splatter about a month or so ago 

a friend that for one reason or a move [or two]

we've grown apart over this last year
i prayed my little heart out that i would have peace
closer* or get over how much we suck at long distances*

well, i'm happy to be able to see her get married

they decided to have a small wedding with family and close friends

instead of a ' big to-do ' in april

i'm very happy for them

i'm very thankful to be able to attend 

because of the short notice few people are able to make it 

although our lives don't look the same as they did for years
and they probably won't look much like they did from here on out

i know, that i'll always be here for her 

SIMPLE yet FORGOTTEN

via oh, hello friend

A friend posted this article. I began to read, heart jumped, and eyes watered.

To love. It's so simple but many find it VERY HARD. Read this article.

As a Christian, I applaud the ones that are love-givers and deeply hurt when I see people that I often find at Mardi Gras with signs about 'you are going to hell' stuff. I've seen them, you've seen them. They have missed the point of being a 'christian' entirely.

This article reminds me to love without limits.

A Year Ago

I promised to spend the rest of my life with Ted.

This last year has been full of excitement and change. I'm anticipating what this next year will look like. I've learned so many things.

2010, I'm ready...

This year I resolve...

to fill my day with laughter, dancing, and love.

to get better at keeping the laundry basket empty.

to stop thinking every once in awhile and let life happen...

to learn how to love my husband in ways he needs to be loved.

to not be soo darn serious all the time. But when my husband is being serious I need not to joke around then but be serious.

to cook more inventively.

to speak my mind less, to think before I speak, to love unconditionally.

to plan mini trips, and take them.

to learn how to be a better friend and keep in touch as we moved around.

to fall more in love with the Lord and my husband everyday.


Ok, Newport News... Here I am, ready to work hard. To be busy.

Persective

Eventful weekend has led me to reflect ALOT.

Countless sleepless nights. I can't turn my brain off.

Sunday at church, the sermon was directly for me.

I really thought during the service 'Wait!!! I'm not the only one going through some pretty tough stuff.'

What a great feeling, to know your not the only one with problems. Some points that the pastor made really caught my attention. He was speaking about particular life circumstances. He was diagnosed with cancer this year and he shared his struggles and what he learned from this past year. First off, I really took hold of a point that he made. In our hardships and mishaps, there are three major commonents 1. you, 2. others, 3. God. When we view a certain situation and only look at 1 of these points. Like ourselves, our perspective is WAY off. Also, if we choose to focus only on OTHERS and not ourselves, we are way off too. I need to look at this past year and all my hardships with a whole perspective. God has brought me through stuff to learn, grow, and glorify Him. Other people play a role in my life and if I only focus on what they do and don't do then I will have a lopsided perspective. I have to trust God that even in good and bad circimstances that He is there working in my life.

I'm determined to change this next year.


I don't want to be known for who I used to be.

I want to let the Lord change me from the inside out.

Looking for Hope

The holidays are here and I love it! This years Christmas shopping has been stress free! Which in the midst of the move, I am very thankful. I heard this quote the other day on a Pastor I really respects twitter and it stuck:

' I have decided to have the Best Christmas Ever. Not an event that happens to me. An attitude inside of me. '

Without decorations up and really getting into the spirit of the holidays with normal things has given me time to think about the meaning of Christmas and really reflect on heart issues. I've been thinking a bunch about what the most important thing about this time of year is. Celebrating the birth of Jesus! And loving people! This is the passage I read today and a little song I found on a John Piper blog.

Romans 12:6-8
Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; 7 if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; 8 the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

Jesus, take my bent away
For thinking much of me,
And kill my pride, and from this day
With mercy make me free.
Jesus, grant the gift to see
The treasure that you are,
And as the night eclipses me,
be my Morning Star.

And now if I should serve, or lead,
Or give, or mercy show,
O Jesus, let my love be freed,
And like a river flow.
O Jesus, be the treasure of
My heart and all I do,
And may the river of my love
Alone make much of you.

My emotions have been all over the place lately. I've shed way too many tears. My only hope is Jesus! I cling to the Cross.  I put fill trust in Almight Sovereign God and my heart is at ease. Ted has been so gracious this week, praying for me and holding me while I try to sort out all kind emotions.

Thanksgiving

Turkey. Dressing. Mashed potatoes. Cranberry Sauce. Gravy. Pies.

Thanksgiving definately doesn't feel like Thanksgiving without it all.

Today we drove to Lafayette to spend some time with my grandparents. Tomorrow we are having lunch with the family. But my grandma decided to smoke some chicken and have scalloped potatoes instead of anything festive and normal. I'm now thankful for our the years past of delicious food that I regretted eating so much of at the end of the day. I'm also sorry I ever complained about eating turkey leftovers for days. Next years Thanksgiving whereever we live will be a tranditional stuff your face with Thanksgiving GOODNESS.

Happy Thanksgiving.

On another note: what are we celebrating on Thanksgiving. At church our pastor talked about celebrating the Eucharist. It was very interesting and perfect for a Thankgiving. Eucharist means "the giving of thanks". This month marks 9 years since I receive Christ in my life. Throughout my life I've taken communion. Many times, its out of routine and now with true thanksgiving in my heart. Jesus said to do it in rememberance. Its not simply a ritual that we much continue but a beholding in the heart that bumbles over true thankfulness for the cross and its work in our lives.

So about Thanksgiving. What are we celebrating? Family, Food, and Football. Thats the answer you receive, if you ask anyone how their Thanksgiving was. Should we mention how we ubberly, undeniably, excitedly thankful!